RicardoObviouso

i think i already posted about where i was, so for the sake of a repost and not much else to do on account of my shattered elbow and painkillers. i'll make up a story: i was wandering home from the local mall-parking-lot-carnival that i frequented every september 10th. it was a tradition of sorts. except this time i was alone. i was hung over after a dirty night of drinking the carney's version of scotch and playing carney games with the carney's niece. oh, and i had jester shoes on. i think i had huffed some accelerants at some point during the night, as well because what i'm about to tell you, can only be justified by knowing what it's like to huff 92 octane from shell out of a safeway bag. it cost's $1.19/L for a reason. we all know how the 9/11 story goes so i'll spare you the details, but i'll tell you how it ends. i'm running from the cops down highway 1, over a bridge and into a forest. they're onto me. so i stop and challenge the officers. i flip one over my back, use the bobby stick on the other one and use my jester shoes to pop the tires and take off. and that's basically why my back hurts. thanks for asking.

it's funny. i've just about had it with people telling other people to leave. will i do anything about it? no. i just needed to get it out there. i'm in one of those rambling moods again. you know how it is. i'll stop now. *awkward silence* i'm hungry.

if i projectile vomited from where i sit now, i might be able to land it in the mushroom studio parking lot.

where was your first date?

a few years ago i went as the kokanee park ranger dressed up as the sasquatch and my buddy went as the sasquatch dressed up as the park ranger a la kokanee adverts. it was great, we won all the prizes and since then have failed to come up with anything decent. i think last year i was an 80s hairband rocker. this year my girlfriend and i might go as ashton kutcher and demi moore.

this one punk i went to school with for years used to put a candle in there and sharpen it and the wax would fuck up everyone's pencils. this is the same kid who used to soak spitballs in ink then shoot them at people.

i have the saab 9-7X on demo right now. its basically a trailblazer with more cool shit. i LOVE the trailblazer and i LOVE cool shit so it seems like the perfect match. and its not selling out if i keep the car, is it?

it was a fake make-up to appease me. that's love.

it knocked me on my ass every time. it had about 15-20 minutes of decency, then we burned out and slept for like 5 hours minimum.

i thought about it, but its hardly worth the effort. i even got my dog pro-trained.

day one: depart vancouver to antigua via dallas, puerto rico. excited at the prospect of walking on the tarmac, i begin drinking. by the time we land in antigua i'm hammered and first thing i do when i step onto the tarmac is puke. in bed by 1am local time. day two: wake up to 35 degree heat and immediately replenish my fluids. at 1 of 365 beaches by 11am and proceed to drink the first of many pina coladas. the sand is like silk. we buy $20 worth of weed from a cabby to be consumed later. we wander around the neighbourhood and walk home (an apparent 45 minute walk that took less than 10). in bed by 10pm. day three: girlfriend and cousin have been bickering back and forth all morning. she wants coffee, he doesnt have a coffee maker or the desire to drive her to a coffee shop. he leaves for work, we walk back to the same beach as day 2. proceed to drink more pina coladas. we wander down the beach and a local sells us 2 cannons for $20. we smoke them and get retarded. girlfriend does cartwheels down the beach. we walk home. on the way we see a bench and my girlfriend proceeds to seduce me on it. we finish. we continue our walk. cousin pulls up mid journey and as we proceed to get in a car speeds by and hits me. we arrive at the worlds dirties hospital approx. 45 minutes later and i am diagnosed with "a completely shattered elbow". in bed by around 2am or whenever the pain killers took over. day four: bed all day day five: there's two party nights in antigua friday and sunday. friday i got hit by a car so we didnt go, but tonight im stoked to have some fun, so we drive up to "shirley heights" to watch steel band and reggae and drink "rum punch". we get hammered and leave. on the way back to residence, my cousins friend throws a cup out the window. we are cut off by a police officer and told to follow him back to the cup. alex (the litterer) says "oh this will be great for my blog" and gets out to pick up the cup under police supervision. i am drunk and whacked on pain killers and laughing my ass off that this is happening. as this happens the cop says something inaudible, alex says something back and is arrested. we go home. on the way my girlfriend starts a fight with my cousin and we suddenly become "kicked out". we check into a resort on the north side of the island called "sunsail: club collona" day six: talk about my cousin vs/ the girlfriend all day day seven: relocate rooms because the bed sucks, and the toilet wont flush properly. day eight: girlfriend's birthday. we rent a catamaran and the guy takes us for a circum-nav tour of the island. it takes from 9am til 5pm and we're hammered beyond oblivion. a local gives us a ride home (the same guy who sold us the 2 cannons for $20). i proceed to wander down to the health spa drunk and order a shitload of products for my girlfriend along with some spa treatment that cost $240US. day nine: spa girl trackes us down at breakfast and says "evan!" neither my girlfriend or i know what to expect and she says "did you tell your girlfriend?" apparently i booked her an appointment for 7am that morning and completely forgot. rescheduled. day 10: cant really remember. probably did nothing day 11: grew totally repulsed by the uncomfortable beds and relocated to another resort. checked in and got drunk almost instantly. day 12: beach all day day 13: tried to play golf with my shattered elbow. witnessed 4 locals do the job of one driving range cart. when you hit a bucket of balls into the "driving range". four guys run out and pick up your range balls and bring them back. i felt like shit mentally (because of the whole slavery thing this country went through 400 years ago) and physically (because i shattered my elbow 10 days prior) day 14: girlfriend has her period. 3 weeks of constant sex becomes a sudden waste of time. no kids. no august baby. tons of sitting on the beach and drinking, though. day 15: girlfriend and i get into a HUGE fight that takes almost 3 hours to resolve. i pass out in a puddle of her tears. day 16: very hung over. every woman in the resort has her sympathies with me. apparently the girlfriend was way out of control and i am the victim. we leave. flight from antigua to puerto rico is flawless. flight from puerto rico to atlanta is flawless. flight from atlanta to vancouver goes to shit when we have to switch planes with out our luggage following suit. end of vacation. i welcome the brisk vancouver air with welcome arms. next: the south of france.

top 5 reasons to have kids: 5. $1200/yr. GOC daycare credit 4. chicks love them 3. toys r us 2. SUVs become more practical and an "easier sell" 1. midday sex becomes more meaningful

especially if you keep going to the S&M parties dont wear masks.

i had a dream about the ninja turtles last night. but then again, i also had a dream either right before or right after that my buddy was showing me upskirt photos of my girlfriend sitting on my lap in a bar and all i could say was "wow, shes got a sexy smile" and then wanting him to send copies. i'm fucking weird.

this thanksgiving i got drunk on a catamaran in the carribbean and blacked out. the only thing i remember after getting off the boat was my girlfriend saying "is this car going to make it up the hill?" to some local who agreed to drive us back to our resort in his rustbucket honda.

a better idea for this thread would have been: ...from History, who would it be? find a quote from someone on the bored and people will try to guess who it was and in sticking to the original thread, i'd probably go back with lauren and fuck jim morrison. that would be a hot threesome.

like gino?

my girlfriend and i are currently trying for children (we're both destined for twins so we have two names): church & ava if its one girl, the name will be ava-church. if its a boy and girl it will be ava & church and if its two girls it will be ava & church. if its one boy it will be church if its two boys we're naming one church and giving the other away. oh, and they are going to be born in the south of france. we've got it all figured out (aside from the voluntary surrendering of the 2nd boy), as one might have noticed.

like soliciting a child prostitute?

hey guys! hey guys! google "one_trick_pony" and hit "i'm feeling lucky" yeah. thats right.

guilty addictions? hmmm, i'd have to say routinely sleeping around on my girlfriend. i cant help it.

sold both for $250. that should get me drunk in carribean a few times this week.

WHY I OUGHTTA!

yeah but who the fuck are they?

i just love how you threw "fucking" in there. i'm half cut and laughing at everything.